Alive and Pain
by Raphaella Trevane
Summary: A blade filled with pleasure. Daydream about nothing but her.


i had this idea for some time now.

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The moon shined brightly onto the hard barren ground. Many years seperated us but for some reason it all felt so fine. This love never existed yet it felt like it did. It would have happened if I had never held back.

I was 48. She was 15. It all started when I first complimented her. It was awkward but we got along well.

She wasn't like all those other girls. Naturally the shy type and also the most interesting person you could ever hang out with. I seriously thought that I could fall in love even I was a nobody. But there was a reason why I held back. It was because I knew the consequence of what would happen.

There's probably more than a thousand words I could use that would describe her. Crazy and psychotic are definately part of it.

Back when we first met, after the complimenting, she told me that this only gets harder. She was talking about life itself only gets harder. In some ways, that is true. Life does get harder. Once you think it becomes easy, it always gets harder.

I learned alot of things from her. Things I thought that never existed. Love is one. Friendship I already knew. If you get a glimpse of heaven, then you get to go there. That's something she learned from Ariadne, whom I miss very much. Heavens reveals itself to those who are good, forgiving, loving, and basically people who never give up in a good sense.

I don't know if she'll ever get that glimpse. If she does, then I'm happy for her.

Not alot of people could make me smile and that's a pretty hard task. Somehow she was able to. She won unintentionally and she does it all the time. I feel more alive with her. And being with her was just so wonderful. She wasn't that beautiful but I didn't care. It was her personality I liked alot.

I wanted to love her like she loved me. Something was holding me back, though. I couldn't exactly describe what it was. All I know is that I chose never to love her because it would hurt me later on. But I think what hurts more is the fact that I never took the chance. If I would have loved her, I think the organization would have killed her right away and they'd probably make me watch. I'd most likely cry. If your wondering, she told me how to do that.

This whole I never thought we could cry. After seeing her, I started to do it and it just felt more natural to be able to cry. It was one of feelings that I never thought once existed.

The gap where my heart was supposed to be was starting to fill. It's like we can have hearts even if we can't feel. We could at least try. It never hurts to do that.

I learned about her history and I thought I had a bad life. I was making her stop telling me things every 5 minutes or so. I couldn't take any of it. Things I couldn't believe what happened.

I always she would like someone her own age but I was wrong. I had no clue she liked older men like around my age.

Fate said to not fall for anything about love because in the end my heart, if I ever had one, would collapse. I trusted fate to lead me in the right direction however I also wanted to go the other way.

I always thought fate was right but for some reason I felt it was wrong to trust it. She had loved me from the beginning. She didn't tell me directly. It was more like indirectly. I never told any lies about how I felt. I always told her I wanted to love her. Both directions seemed wrong. I was so unsure on what to pick. Love or don't love. Regret later on that I never took the chance.

I've always known she was going to die, based on what Number IX was telling me. I didn't want to believe it but I knew it was true. Ariadne died first, then Basilisk, and now her. I wonder who's next.

I knew how she was going to die and I couldn't help but cry. Just when I made up my mind, I was told all this information that I seriously never needed to know. Then I had to change my mind about her. No, I couldn't be with her and yes, I would have to move on.

What I was feeling, I couldn't tell if it was real or not. She had transformed my life into something else. Something better and something that I'll never have again. It only existed with her.

Back then, she told me about the Altar of Naught and that you can write your name in blood so the heavens would protect you. It sounded strange but I wrote my name anyways. Somehow it seemed possible that heavens could protect me even if I was a nobody.

One of the most painful ways of dieing is to release your own soul. That's how she died at the very end of her last battle. I can never forgive Sora for doing this but that doesn't exactly mean I'll kill him or his friends.

I watched her suffer and all I could do was put her out of her misery. I took Ariadne's blade, Fenrir and looking the other way, I brought it down onto her. How could Sora actually find something good in doing this, especially if the person he's fighting is not a bad person at all?

This was one of the main reasons why I couldn't sleep. I had to kill a 15 year old girl who wasn't able to live the rest of her life. There was no way I could heal her at that particular moment.

The rule here in Organization XIII is that when a member close to dieing, either kill them or just leave them there. I never believed in that policy. It's a different story with the other members.

It's been a year since she died. Everything looks the same. All faded and dead. That's how I see the world now unlike most people. The other members are living their lives as if no one died and I'm one of the only ones including Number IX who are really depressed.

I talked to Kana, Takeshi and everyone else. There's no life in anyone anymore or maybe that's just how I'm seeing everything.

I remember how many fights Tayuya was in with Axel. She always asked me and other people too if it should hurt to love him. I always said if it hurts then don't do it. This was towards the end of their fake relationship.

Axel's not the slightest bit sad about her death. He never cared about her and yet he pretended but she always have known this.

I wondered if she was there. I wondered if she kept her promise. I wondered what would have happened if I did choose to love her. Now this is all I can do. Wonder till I die.

A blade filled with pleasure. Daydream about nothing but her. A small cut into a slit. I'm so afraid of life. What it has become.

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this is so out character i know. flames welcomed. reviews appreciated. critism is okay. i was pretty awkward writing this.

i may actually end up writing this story. so please tell me if you want me to. and if there are grammatical errors, i was pretty lazy with it and i had this for a while and i pretty much wanted to post it.


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